Time for a personal rant since I haven’t had one in so long..
So yea. Hub of anxiety right now: summer reading work. First of all, I’ve read one of the seven books I’m required to read. The rest are sitting somewhere (hopefully) on the (slightly illegal) website I use to download free Nook books. I have another to read, and a paper to write on those two…then another 2 to read, and a paper to write on those two. Along with that, I have a huge history novel to read with questions to answer on it in this bigass packet, and to top it all, I have to email 3 current events in 10 days.
Possible right? Sparknotes ftw.
August begins…soon. In like, two or three days, and I’m not prepared to be thrown into school again. My sleeping pattern consists of going to bed between 1:30 and 6 and waking up between 11 and 2. This is not going to be good for going to bed at 12-1 and waking up at 5:30-6. I’m royally fucked.
However, I got my permit! (You know, only after 2 failed trips to the DMV the Saturdays beforehand). I have a feeling I’ll be job hunting soon, but a car is in my future. This has been helping calm my school fears. I’m looking forward to hopefully having a studyhall where I can either leave early or come in late. Until a car is in the picture, I’ll suck it up unless someone shares the same schedule times as me, but the chances of getting rides from those people are slim to begin with.
It hasn’t hit me much that I’ll be a senior. Seems like yesterday I was a freshman talking to my junior friends in 2nd period study on B days.. Patrick doing Chem and Jaci talking my ear off while we got bagels. I really do miss feeling young, the old wave has crashed and is threatening to drown me. I’m not prepared remotely for college, I’ll admit that easily. I haven’t done enough research or visited any. My parents don’t really care about the environment. Their concerns lie within the money and not about how happy I’ll be. I understand financial struggles, but I’m prepared to pay loans for as long as necessary. I just hope I can pull my grades off this year..
I’m shocked at how much my interests slide during the summer. I was adamant about being a creative writing major at the end of this year..but after extensive conversations with my older cousin Sean, who I admire very much, about a degree in graphic design…I find myself heading in that direction. I feel dumb now for taking independent publishing next year when I could’ve been taking graphic arts, just like Java last year (cringe). I guess it’s just one of those things you have to say “Oh well..” and put a sad face on.
School has three brightsides right now. One: getting to see the friends I haven’t seen during the summer much again. Two: Getting new school clothes, since my mother thinks I only need to go shopping once a year, and this is that one time. Three: I’m a senior. That means every day that passes is a day I won’t be spending in that stupid fucking school with a ratio double of people I hate to people I tolerate/like remotely.
In other news, I now have a bed at my grandmother’s house, and my dad is buying furniture for that room. I’ve straight-up told him that I don’t want to sleep there much, considering he wants me to be there to add to the ‘normalcy’ hes trying to create, while in reality it’s simply adding to the abnormal nature of the situation. I love being at the regular house.. Tara’s house, I guess I could say now. The divorce is not really a “divorce” per say, it’s more of a break. They need their space and can’t work out their problems in the same house. This I understand, considering I’ve experienced how much the concept of “space” and change a person and their most desperate of thought processes. I will absolutely miss this room when I’m not here every weekend. However, Tara is literally my second mom, and if anything did happen that wasn’t “temporary”, as they’ve been wording it, she would still always be in my life as my step-mom, legally a guardian or not.
On a much…much brighter note, I’m back together with my long-distance boyfriend, who finally realized how much of a dumbass he was being and started talking to me again. Christien v2.0 is now a new and improved boyfriend model, with motivation sensors to actually come and visit! I couldn’t be happier with him right now; actually, I couldn’t be happier in general unless he was here. It’s nice to finally fall back into old patterns, but both of us have changed the few months we weren’t really talking as much. You can tell its what we both needed to come to the realization that neither of us are going to disappear from eachothers lives for a very long time, and neither of us want that. I’m confident in his truthfulness, considering he told me that his neighbor liked him and he just couldn’t find it in himself to like her back because she wasn’t.. me. I’ve told him more secrets than probably anyone on this earth next to my best friend. He’s back to stay, which is the best thing I could ever ask for. Hopefully a visit will be occurring soon, depending on who gets money. I’m already about a 7th of the way to saving up. Seems far but it’s a foundation that fuels embers of hope.
So yea, this is my silly little life. Not very interesting, but it’s mine.
When I was little I used to have this reoccurring dream. I was walking towards a small beach which seemed to be hidden by a valley. It was night, the skies covered in grey clouds. Snowflakes dancing with the gentle sea breeze. The sand completely covered in a blanket of snow and the ocean waves were calm. However right in the middle was this massive willow tree. The trunk was twisted almost in a perfect spiral upwards. It was a tree completely filled with life, with some type of red fruit hanging off it’s snow-covered branches. I remember feeling completely at peace. I didn’t know why, but I knew I belonged there. Since then I couldn’t recreate that specific feeling I experienced in those dreams, but then I heard this song by the Fleet Foxes and all those emotions and feeling of belonging rushed into me. It was exhilarating when I first heard, it felt as if I was meant to rediscover that dream through this very song. Ever since then this song has become one my all-time favorites.
“And turn the white snow red as strawberries in the summertime.”